Cricket-- How to suceed on Indian tour

HOW TO SUCEED ON INDIAN SOIL
(A GUIDE TO TOURING CRICKET TEAMS)
For special use by the current England team for future &
other teams likely to visit India in near future
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Do not speak to press or media, leave it to your manager. No individual player or captain to contribute columns in Indian news papers or in home country.
While talking privately, always say that Indian team is a very strong one, and beating them is very difficult any where in the world especially on Indian soil.
Come to Chennai at least one week ahead of the tour and play with local teams, no net practice. Ask Bisen Bedi and Kapil Dev to help your spinners and pace bowlers respectively (pay a good amount).Engage one Indian coach.
Select six batsmen, out of which three must be left-handers. One wicket keeper who can score a century with the help of tail-enders. Take a stock bowler (all-rounder) who can check the flow of runs as well as pick up some wickets. He must be a good batsman who has scored centuries in test cricket.
Take a left hand finger spinner, one left hand pace bowler and a right hand fast bowler. Out of six batsmen two must bowl ten to fifteen over’s in case of slow over rate or just to add variety.
Never try to bounce on Indian pitch; you will break your back. Too many slip fielders are a luxury on Indian grounds, they look good on photographs. Never skid or dive on Indian outfields, your career may come to an abrupt end. Put a cotton plug in both the ears when you go out to bat or field in the out-field.
Do not eat prawn, fried rice or other Indian tandoori food or else your job will have to be done by the extra players.
Last but not the least- do not get distracted or attracted by glamorous girls or advertisement, media or your star players will end up with few runs or few wickets like Bret Lee, nine wickets from four tests!!
If you want more it will be after the Toss.